This Is Why We Sing
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: When a tragedy rocks members of the Glee Club and they try to piece their lives back together, they are left to remember why they loved to sing in the first place.  Future fic.  Warning:  child death.
1. Born This Way

"Green makeup is the worst to get off," I muttered, swiping at my face with my makeup sponge.

Kurt sank back into my giant red chair, almost disappearing into the cushion. "You'd think it would come off easy, considering how much you're sweating."

I grabbed a towel off my dressing table and swatted playfully in his direction. "You try playing Elphaba seven months pregnant!"

"Hey, now!" he cried, waving his hands in defense. "I'm happy with my old age makeup. Just saying. Was done an hour ago."

There was a knock on the dressing room door and Finn's head appeared in the gap. "Hi, honey."

"Hi," I smiled, waving him in.

He came and wrapped his arms around me, resting them on my stomach. Bending over my middle, he whispered, "Hello in there." A few seconds later the baby kicked in response. She had been active all day, especially during the show, but she always responded to her father's voice.

Giggling, I said, "That's so cute."

"I know," he beamed, drawing back up from my tummy to give me a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, get a room," Kurt groaned, forcing himself up and out of the engulfing chair. "That's my cue to leave. You were great tonight, Rachel. As always. It's going to be lonely out there without you as Elphaba."

"Thanks, Kurt," I answered, removing the last of my makeup with a final swipe and heaving myself out of my own chair to give him a hug. "You'll have to come visit me. These next two months until the baby comes are going to be so boring for me not being able to work."

"Sad face," Kurt replied. "I'll come see you as much as I can, hon. I'm so excited for you guys. I'll catch you later, okay?" With a backwards flick of his hand, he disappeared out the door.

Stooping down to reach under my dressing table, Finn resurfaced with my purse. "When do Quinn and Sam get in again?"

"8:15 tomorrow morning." I took my purse from his outstretched hand and draped it over my shoulder. "We're picking them up and dropping their bags off at our place, and then I'm driving them to their appointment to look at condos while you go to work."

"I love you for being so organized," he murmured, wrapping an arm around my waist as he steered me out the door.

-GLEE!-

I threw my arms around Quinn as soon as she put the car seat down next to her. "How are you?" I squealed. "It's been too long!"

She looked down at my belly and laughed as we pulled apart. "I think there's something between us."

"Indeed," I replied.

Finn and Sam walked ahead of us and disappeared into the crowd, carrying the luggage we'd captured from the baggage claim rack. Quinn stooped down over the car seat, adjusted Astrid's blanket. The baby's eyes opened, and she blinked sleepily as her tiny fist gripped the blanket. "Did you want to hold her?" Quinn offered.

"Okay," I replied happily, gently wrapping my hands around the baby as Quinn placed her carefully into my arms.

Quinn picked up the car seat and draped it over her arm, and we headed out after Finn and Sam.

"So when's your official due date again?" she asked.

"March 1st," I answered. "Eight more weeks. That's a long time to go at home with nothing to do. I'm glad you guys are moving here."

"You can hang out with me and Astrid any day. Sam's new job is going to keep him busy so I'll be alone a lot too."

We stepped out into the parking lane where the guys were loading the car. Quinn strapped the car seat into the back and then took the baby from me and placed her inside. All four of us piled into the car, guys in front and girls in back.

"It's amazing we're friends after everything," I said to Quinn as I offered my hand to Astrid and she made a tiny little fist around my finger.

"RIght?" Quinn laughed. "We've grown up so much since high school."

"That's the truth," Sam added from the front seat.

We drove past the Oriental Theater. Quinn pressed her face almost flush against the window, pointing at the sign that read 'Rachel Berry in Wicked'. "Look, Rachel, it's your name in lights!"

"Just like we always joked, right?" I rested my free hand across my stomach, feeling the baby shift.

"Too bad we couldn't get here to see you," Sam said.

"She was amazing," Finn stated. "You can come see her after the baby. She's the best. Not just saying that 'cause she's my wife either. She's really the best."

"And I get free tickets," I added, watching the sign disappear out the rear window.

"You're a star, Rachel," Quinn smiled.

"Yeah," I answered, resting my head back against the seat. "I am."


	2. Interlude

"When is your stuff coming?" I asked as Quinn unbuckled the car seat and pulled the baby out of the back seat.

"Should arrive on Saturday," she replied. "Sam paid the down payment on the apartment this morning."

We walked out of the parking garage and down the street towards the restaurant. "I'm kind of excited to see Mercedes," I admitted. "It feels like it's been a really long time since I've seen anyone, and now we're all getting back together. I just wish I could see everyone, you know?"

"Definitely. I'm glad Sam got a job here. It was lonely in Texas."

Reaching the door to the restaurant, I grabbed the handle and pulled it opened so that Quinn could enter with the baby. Quinn stepped forward to the hostess stand and said something I couldn't hear before grabbing me with her free hand and dragging me into the restaurant. "Close your eyes," she said, coming to a sudden stop.

I shook my head. "Huh?"

"Come on," she whined. "Just do it."

"Okay," I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes.

She led me several steps further into the restaurant before coming to a stop again. "Okay…open them!"

I was surrounded by shouts of "Surprise!" as I opened my eyes to see the entire old Glee club crowded into several tables in a corner of the restaurant.

"Eeeeeeee!" I squealed happily, diving into the group as fast as my seven months pregnant belly would allow and letting myself be submersed in a pile of hugs.

Quinn set the car seat down and scooped Astrid out, who was immediately snatched away for admiration by Brittany and Santana. I lowered myself into the chair that had obviously been left to me, right between two giant bouquets of 'It's a Girl!' balloons. As I admired the giant diaper cake that was in the middle of the table, a waiter appeared and filled up a glass of water for me. "Thanks," I nodded.

Sitting down next to me, Quinn winked in my direction. "Surprised?" she asked.

"I am," I said, beaming from ear to ear.

"Okay, everybody!" Mercedes said, standing up at the other side of my table. "In honor of Rachel and…" Looking at me she asked, "Does she have a name yet?"

I shook my head. "We haven't come up with anything that suits her yet. I told FInn that I think we'll just know what to name her when we see her."

"All right," Mercedes smiled, "then in honor of Rachel and 'Baby Girl', we have this game planned.

I groaned as she brought a giant Ziploc bag filled with pink clothespins out from behind her back. "I hate games, Mercedes."

"Oh, but they're so much fun!" Brittany exclaimed in a little baby voice, holding Astrid up in the air and cooing at her.

"Everyone takes a clothespin and clips it on their clothes," explained Mercedes, passing the bag around the table. "If you hear someone say the word baby, you take their clothespin and keep it. The person with the most clothespins at the end of the shower wins a prize."

"We all know how much Rachel loves to win," Kurt said, clipping a clothespin to his collar.

"I am quite competitive," I conceded.

Puck clipped on a clothespin of his own before passing me the bag. "So let's get this party started!"

-GLEE!-

Kurt put the last giant bag into the truck of my car as Quinn strapped Astrid into the backseat again. "I've got to go get ready for the show, or I'd help you haul it all home."

"That's okay," I replied. "Sam and Finn are back at the house, so it's all good."

Quinn and I got into the front seat as Kurt walked to his own car. As I put the car into gear, I looked over at Quinn and said, "Buckle up. This is Chicago, you know. There's crazy people."

She snapped her seatbelt into place and turned to the back to give a little wave to Astrid. "She loves the car," Quinn smiled as we backed out of the parking spot. "Makes her fall asleep every time. Was a godsend when she was a baby and Sam and I were trying to get her to stop crying. We spent a lot of time in the car."

"I'll remember that." I came around the last corner of the parking garage and merged out into traffic.

I never even saw the truck coming.


	3. Marry the Night

Astrid was crying.

I pressed my head back against the cushion as I formed the words to tell Quinn that the baby was crying inside my head. My lips wouldn't open. Wetting them with my tongue as I cracked my eyes open, I whispered, "Quinn."

Everything around me was bright, too bright, and I blinked my eyes against the burning sensation that filled them. "Quinn," I tried again, rolling my head towards the passenger side of the car as I started to remember where I was. "Quinn!" I hissed, more loudly. My arms felt like they were made of lead as I tried to raise one and reach out to her, and they flopped uselessly back against my sides. I reached up again, managing to shove the air bag out of my face.

Quinn's normally blonde hair was tinged a strange shade of pink, and it took me a moment to process the trickle of blood that ran from her temple down across her face. She was covered in broken glass, and it seemed like the passenger side of the car was almost all across her lap. The fog that had ensnared my head cleared a little bit as I registered that Astrid was still crying in the backseat. I tried to turn around to check on her, but my stomach got in the way. My hands suddenly came awake as they moved almost on their own to my abdomen and rested over the baby.

"Quinn?" I tried again.

"Mmmmm…" she groaned, her head shifting slightly. "Astrid?"

"Quinn, it's me. It's Rachel."

A hand draped gently on my shoulder and I turned to my door to see a strange man standing outside the car. "Help is coming," he told me. "Try not to move, okay?"

My head spun as the sound of sirens approached from the distance. "I'm pregnant," I whispered.

The stranger said something else, but I couldn't hear him over the noise from the sirens. As the sirens faded, I could hear someone yelling, "Step aside! Paramedics! Make room!" A woman appeared at my window. "We're going to try to get you out of there, okay? Just sit tight."

I couldn't do anything but sit. "The baby," I whispered.

She looked into the backseat, assuming that Astrid was the baby I was referring to. "I'm going to try to open the back door on this side and get the baby out. Don't try to move." She eased the door open, sending a shower of glass towards the pavement. "I'm going to climb in and check the baby now," the paramedic said, explaining every move she made. "I'm in the back seat." There was rustling and the sound of glass shifting, but Astrid stopped crying. "I have the baby. I'm moving out of the car now."

There was another paramedic at my door as the first slipped carefully out of the backseat. "I'm going to try and open your door now, okay, Miss?"

I nodded slowly.

"Can you cover your face?" he asked.

I nodded again and did as he had asked. The door came open with another rain of glass, and the paramedic squatted next to me. "How far along are you?" he asked as he saw my protruding stomach.

"29 weeks," I answered.

He reached across my stomach, moving the rest of the air bag out of the way as he gently unbuckled my seatbelt. "How are you feeling? Where does it hurt?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't really hurt. I think I'm okay. Just a little dizzy."

He listened to my heart and my breathing before checking my blood pressure. "Your pressure is a little high."

"Is someone checking my friend?" I asked, interrupting.

"We need to get you out of the vehicle first, Miss," he explained as he wrapped a brace around my neck. "My partner here is going to assist me in getting you out of the vehicle and onto a stretcher."

I was out of the car and onto a stretcher before I ever really understood what was happening to me.

"We need to get you to the hospital to check the baby."

"Can you hear the heartbeat?" I asked, a tear sliding down my cheek. "I'm not sure I can feel her moving."

"I can listen once we get into the ambulance," he assured me as he pushed the stretcher away.

"What about Astrid? Is she okay?" I tried to look around, but the neck brace kept me from turning my head too far to either side. "My friend's baby? Her baby girl? Is she okay?" I asked again.

"The baby is fine. She's with another one of our teams getting throughly checked out."

"And my friend?" I asked, tears now freely running down my cheeks. "Quinn? Is Quinn okay?" I shook my head again, trying to fight the sleepy feeling that was taking over me.

"I'm not sure, Miss. We need to get you to the hospital." They hoisted me up into the back of the ambulance. "But I'll make sure and let you know as soon as I know anything, okay?" He hopped into the back of the ambulance as his partner slammed the door shut.

"You're going to feel a little prick as I stick an IV in your arm."

I felt the prick even before he had finished his sentence. As he hooked me up to his string of monitors, I slowly lost the struggle to keep my eyes open as my body gave in to unconsciousness.


	4. Angel

I woke up in the emergency room, with doctors and nurses I had never seen before bustling about what seemed to be a fairly private room.

"My baby…" I mumbled. I looked down and saw that I was bleeding.

"I'm going to roll your shirt up now, okay, Rachel?" one of the doctors asked.

I nodded numbly, checking the door for any sign of Finn. There was a red stain between my legs. I didn't know what was happening. Everything in the emergency room was loud and fast. I just wanted to see someone that I knew. "Is Doctor Grant coming?" I whispered.

"We paged him," the doctor answered.

"What about my husband? Finn? Has anyone talked to him yet?"

"I can check on that as soon as we're done here," she tried to reassure me, spreading cold jelly across my abdomen. She put the transducer in the jelly and started to move it around as another doctor turned the monitor away so I couldn't see it. Both of their faces remained a mystery as she moved back and forth, seemingly studying the images I couldn't view.

"How is she?" I asked. "Is she okay? What's happening?"

Neither one of them answered me.

I jumped every time I heard what sounded like a heart beat, only to be repeatedly informed that it was only the uterine artery. The two doctors bent together and whispered just quietly enough that I couldn't understand what they were saying. I caught a flash of a look that resembled an "I'm so sorry," face, but then they both turned away.

"We're going to go page Doctor Grant again, so just hang tight," the doctor who hadn't spoken to me yet said.

As she left the room, the first doctor asked me, "So what do you do for a living?"

"What do I do for a living?" I repeated incredulously. Checking the door again, I turned my head away from her and stared at the wall. The doctor fell silent.

After several minutes of nothing but the frenzied sounds of the emergency room, Finn appeared in the doorway. "Rachel!" he exclaimed. Rushing into the room, he scooped me into his arms. "I was so scared, Rachel, I couldn't get any information and they wouldn't tell me where to find you, and…"

His voice trailed off as the sound of both of us sobbing filled the room. I clung to Finn as if I hadn't seen him in one hundred years, and for a long time no one bothered us. Then there was a knock and Doctor Grant entered the room. He was wearing an outfit that looked as if he had come straight from the gym or an exercise class of some such. He reached out and grabbed one of the cheap plastic hospital chairs, dragging it across the room to a spot next to my bed. Spinning it around, he sat in it backwards and rested his arms along the top.

I tried to read his face for any signal that would tell me what was happening to my baby, but he was impossible to read until he rubbed his face slowly with his hands and took a deep breath. "She's gone, isn't she…?" I asked so quietly that I wasn't sure I had actually said the words.

"I am so, so sorry," he confirmed. "It sucks that this happened to such a good couple. I'm so sorry."

Finn sank down onto the edge of the bed. "Why?" he asked.

Doctor Grant shook his head. "We aren't sure yet. We won't be sure until after…"

"What happens next?" I reached out in search of Finn's hand.

"We have to do a cesarean as soon as possible to remove the baby," he answered. "The bleeding isn't too extreme at this point but the concern at this point would be you losing too much blood."

"So. What's going to happen?" Finn intertwined his fingers with mine.

"The nurses are going to take Rachel to the operating room, and they'll get her ready. I'll get ready I'll meet her there and perform the procedure. You should be able to see her a short time after."

He sounded so cold and formal, not at all like he had in his office, back when life was ordinary. His eyes, however, were still soft.

"I want Finn with me," I insisted, wiping the tears from my face.

"He can't come into the operating room," Doctor Grant replied gently. "But he'll be right here after when you wake up." Standing up, he said, "I'm going to go get changed now, but I'll be with you every step of the way through this."

He left the room and a nurse I hadn't seen earlier entered the room. "I'm going to insert an IV now and then get you rolling down for surgery."

"I have really bad veins," I murmured dully.

"Oh, I've seen worse," she tried to joke. After several unsuccessful attempts though, she called for another nurse to come in and try.

Everything around me was moving so fast. I squeezed Finn's hand as the IV slid into my arm, trying to hold on to him for as long as I could before they took me away.


	5. Slipped Away

When I opened my eyes, everything around me was dark. There was a beeping sound that seemed to bounce around the room. I struggled to sit up, trying to remember where I was, and it slowly came back to me that I was in the hospital.

I had had the baby. It all seemed like a blur, but I knew that I had had the baby. They had taken her from me, cut her out, removed her from my body.

I fumbled around the side of the bed, finding the control that would allow me to sit up. I looked around the room, but I didn't see the baby anywhere.

My hand drifted to the incision on my belly. She wasn't in there anymore. They had taken her out of me, but she wasn't anywhere around that I could see. Where was she? Where would they have taken her? I knew from watching television that after you had the baby, the baby stayed in the hospital room with the parents in something that was almost like a large, plastic bassinet. But my baby wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere.

Finn was draped across a chair off in the corner of the room. "Finn," I hissed his name. "Finn!"

He came to with a start. "You're awake."

"Where is she?"

Even through the darkness, I could see his features tighten. "She isn't here, Rachel."

"Why not?"

Finn stood up and pulled his chair to a place beside my bed before sinking into it again. "Don't you remember?" he whispered.

"Remember what?" I thought backwards, trying to remember what I had forgotten—and then it came.

_I am so, so sorry. _The words bounced around inside my head, echoing over and over.

"Oh," I said dully. "She's gone."

Nodding with confirmation, Finn took my hand in his.

"I want to see her."

"Rachel…"

"I want to see her, Finn. I have to see her."

"It isn't…she's gone, Rachel. She's just…gone."

Tears cluttered the torrent of words that spilled from my mouth. "But we didn't name her. We said we'd name her when we saw her, but I didn't see her, and how am I supposed to know what to name her, Finn, how are we supposed to name her when we didn't even get to see her, we never got to hold her, she can't not have a name, Finn, that isn't right, I don't…" Running out of breath, I leaned in towards him, clutching at the sheets and struggling to draw in air through my tears. Every breath I tried to take seared burning hot fire through my lungs.

Finn squeezed my hand tighter. "You have to breath, Rachel. Keep breathing."

I reached up for his shoulder with my other hand, using his strength to steady myself. "I have to see her."

He pushed the red button on the side of the bed and said something to the voice on the other end, but I wasn't really listening. Longing for my baby coursed through every vein in my body. I couldn't stand not seeing, not knowing her. What she looked like, if she was me, or Finn, or both…Did she have hair? How big was she? Where was she now? Did it hurt? Dying?

There was a knock on the door and it opened slowly. There was leaf on the door, dark green and placed right in the middle at eye level. Was it some sort of sign? A 'don't enter this room in a happy mode' sign? I couldn't remember ever seeing a leaf on the door of a hospital room before. It seemed odd that it would be there as just a decoration. There had to be a deeper meaning somehow.

The nurse that entered was carrying a tiny blanket covered bundle in her arms. My gut felt like someone was ripping my insides out with a fish hook as Finn adjusted the bed again so that I could be sitting further upright. I reached my hands out for my baby as the nurse approached.

"It's been a while," she cautioned. "She might not look quite the same now."

I ignored her, moving my arms towards her again in a silent, insistent plea for the baby. The nurse placed her into my arms, and I drew her closer to my body. My arms barely registered the added weight, and it was like she was hardly there at all. I reached for the edge of the blanket, pulling it off of her face as the nurse vanished from the room.

Her eyes were closed, but the lids were almost transparent. There was a sleep like substance around them, and as I reached a finger out to try and wipe it away my hand snapped back at the coldness of her skin. "She's cold…"

Finn reached out and laid his fingers against her icy cheek. "Yeah."

I drew back the blanket further, observing her tiny little fingers and toes. Every part of her had a strange blue tint. It wasn't even like she was sleeping. It was almost more like she was frozen. I considered her slowly, looking her up and down. "What about the name Clary?"

He didn't even question me. "Okay."

I covered her back up, leaving out only one tiny hand that I held in my own. I was hoping that by some miracle I could make her warm again, make her alive. It wasn't normal. Babies weren't supposed to be so small. She was hardly anything at all. Babies were supposed to move, and cry, and be filled with warmth. She wasn't any of those things. She wasn't going to move. She wasn't going to cry. No matter what I did, I couldn't make her warm again.


	6. Dream

When I woke up again, the shades in the room were all closed but the door was stuck slightly open. I was alone. It took me a while to remember where I was, and everything clicked into place again as the clattering of the hospital drifted in through the open door. There was a family in the hallway. An older couple that could have been grandparents, leading a teenager and a small child who was clutching a cluster of balloons. A trickle of laughter moved with them as they disappeared from my view.

Over the activity of the busy hospital, the quiet beeping of the machines, the hustle and bustle of movement, a sound was building. My hands clamped onto the sides of my head, over my ears, and tried to shut it out. It was like every sound that has ever made me cringe. It was fingernails being clipped, nails on a chalkboard, shattering glass, and a bullet being fired, all rolled into one wail. It was a chord made of pure pain, like the solo in a musical where the lead character reveals the source of all of their angst.

As I curled up into the blankets, I realized that the sound was coming from deep within me. I was crying. Grief.

-GLEE!-

_Kurt sat across from me in my dressing room, picking his fingernails._

_ "Do you have a nail file?" he asks._

_ "You are such a girl," I say, reaching into my purse._

_ "Which is exactly why you should name the baby after me."_

_ "The baby IS a girl, Kurt," I smile. "That'd be kind of hard, since you have a boy name and all."_

_ He thinks for a moment before saying, "Kurtabella?"_

_ "Um, no."_

_ "Kurtini? Kurtalicious?"_

_ I am almost bent over with the giggles. "No, Kurt. No."_

_ "Oh, come on, Rachel," he protests. "I'm the best friend you have."_

-GLEE!-

Kurt was standing across the room when my eyes opened again. He came over and sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs in that incredibly feminine way that he had.

"Hi," he said.

My eyes were so puffy and swollen I could barely see.

Kurt took my hand when I didn't say anything, not even trying to fill the silence that engulfed the room.

-GLEE!-

_ "Are you worried?" Finn asks._

_ I roll over in bed, staring at him. "Worried?"_

_ "About the baby?"_

_ "No."_

_ "You sure?"_

_ "Worry?" I snort. "Me?"_

_ He raises an eyebrow before swooping in to give me a quick peck on the cheek._

_ "I'm not worrying. I'm thinking."_

_ "Okay?" he prompts._

_ "I'm thinking about different things with the word baby in them."_

_ "Like…?"_

_ "Okay, so if olive oil is of olives…and vegetable oil has some veggies…then why do they call baby oil baby oil? It totally isn't made out of babies…"_

_ "You're weird," he laughs._

_ "I'm serious!" I squeal as he reaches over to tickle my side before leaning closer to feel the baby._

_ "Well, I'm a little worried," he says to my stomach._

_ "You are?"_

_ "I'm worried we won't be good parents. I'm worried we'll mess it up."_

_ "Who's ever prepared to be a parent?" I ask. "I think we'll be okay. We'll figure it out, together. Like we always do." I curl up into him, my back to his front, both of our hands resting on my stomach._

-GLEE!-

Finn was asleep, his body draped across the tiny chair that was in the corner next to my bed. I closed my eyes, and then opened them again, trying to decide if I wanted to stay awake. In any other situation, Finn's position would have been comical. But I couldn't find the humor in it through my sleep induced haze. I didn't know if I would be able to find the humor in anything ever again. I closed my eyes, submerging myself into sleep again before he could wake up.

-GLEE!-

_I step outside the door of the restaurant, the balloons tangled together in my hand. "What should we do with these?" I ask Quinn._

_ She giggles. "Will your cats eat the ribbons?"_

_ I shrug. "Probably. Ribbons are to cats as I am to bacon."_

_ Balancing Astrid in one arm, she reaches into the bottom of her purse and comes up with a small nail scissors. I reach out to take them from her. Cutting the strings, I release the 'It's a Girl!' balloons from their ties, and we watch as they drift off into the city sky until they disappeared._

-GLEE!-

My hand was wrapped up in someone else's the next time my eyes opened. I turned my head slowly to the side and Quinn was sitting next to my bed. There was large white bandage on her temple, and the right side of her face was black and blue. Her arm on that side was hanging in a sling. It took me another minute to realize that she was sitting in a wheelchair.

"Hey," she whispered.

I blinked once, slowly.

Quinn stayed silent for a long time, just stroking the back of my hand. I stared out the window behind her, the shades now open to allow in some of the sunlight. The view was nothing impressive, consisting of a wall that was made up of grey and dark grey bricks. Some kind of bird drifted by, in the narrow space between my window and the other wall. Maybe a dove.

"It isn't fair."

"No…" Quinn's voice trailed off, unsure of what to say.

I wasn't aware that I had even spoken out loud, but apparently I had.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I rolled away from her, the window, and the dove. "Don't say that," I said, my face half buried into the pillow.

"I am though."

My voice was almost a quiet growl. "Don't SAY that," I repeated.

"Rachel…"

All of the words that were trapped inside of me spewed out at once, like word vomit. "I mean, I just had my shower, literally yesterday. It stinks. It isn't fair. And I don't know how to tell people. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to things. It'll be like nothing happened, like she was never really here, because I guess she wasn't. She wasn't ever here. She was nothing. And it hurts. I was prepared for hurt. But I thought I'd hurt and have a baby. Now there's no baby, there's nothing. And you don't get to be sorry. You don't get to be sorry, Quinn, because your baby is still alive, and mine is dead. You are still alive, Quinn, and I'm dead. I'm dead inside."

I heard a sniffle, and I knew that Quinn was crying without looking. But I couldn't take the words back, and I didn't want to. She still had her baby. Mine was gone. I would go home from the hospital to a house filled with baby stuff, but without a baby.


	7. Zombie

12:08 pm.

The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds ever so slowly.

There were balloons and flowers everywhere. The woman next to me had her head bent just so, her hair forming a near curtain around the bundle in her arms. She was probably the recipient of all the joy. Welcome baby. Baby Boy. Congrats. I couldn't make out the baby through all of her hair. I leaned so far back in the wheelchair that my head was nearly touching the fabric that made up the back, my brain on overload from all of the information.

_Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…three…two…one…Backwards from ten. Breathe. The car must be really far away._

The tiles littering the ceiling were an odd color, somewhere between an ivory and a grey. Or maybe they had once been ivory and were now grey with dirt. They ran in rows of twenty one that stretched across the small waiting area.

A man hurried through the automatic doors as I searched the front area for Finn, a car seat in his hand. A cool breeze entered with him. The woman looked up at him, the curtain pulling back to reveal more of the tiny child in her arms. Setting the car seat down on the floor, the man took the baby and gently placed him on top of the cushion. Kneeling down on the floor, he careful fastened the buckles, securing the baby in the seat. The man and the woman, who I could only assume was his wife judging by the rings on their fingers, cooed happily, murmuring about going home and how exciting it was to have a little boy.

It was not exciting in the slightest to not have a little girl. Not at all.

_Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…three…two…one…Backwards from ten. Breathe. Rows of twenty one. Twenty one times two is forty two. Forty two times two is eighty four. Eighty four times two is one hundred sixty eight. Where is Finn? Shouldn't he be here by now? It's been forever. Or not really. Maybe just a few minutes. Or maybe more. Maybe thirty. Maybe he should be here by now. Maybe he isn't coming back. What if I never see him again? What if he hates me now? _

A nurse came and took the handles at the back of the woman's wheelchair, pushing her out the door after her husband and the newborn. They were filled with smiles, the nurse offering congratulations and admiring the baby as the man snapped the seat into the base in the backseat. The nurse helped the woman out of the wheelchair and into the passenger seat of the car. It was the same thing that happened countless times through out the week.

_Like the Schoolhouse Rock song. A man a woman had a little baby. Yes they did. They have three in the family. It's a magic number. If three is a magic number, then what does that make two? 'Cause we're just two. We're not a whole family. Non-magical. We were magical once. Can we be that again?_

The other family pulled slowly away from the curb, as if taking as much extra care with their new precious cargo as they possibly could. Finn's car appeared in the space their car had vacated in the circular driveway. I wanted to push myself out of the wheelchair and go to him on my own. I didn't want to be wheeled out. But when I tried, I found that I didn't have any energy to boost myself up.

The same nurse pushed my chair out, on the same path that the happy family had taken. But FInn wasn't smiling as he got out and came around the car. He wasn't smiling as he opened the door on my side. He wasn't smiling as they helped me get up and into the vehicle. He wasn't smiling as the nurse said something, her voice droning through my head the way that all of the adults sounded in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. He wasn't smiling as he walked back around the car and got in on the driver's side, placing his hands at ten and two.

He wasn't smiling because there was nothing to smile about. It wasn't magical anymore. Nothing was magical.

I wasn't smiling either.

There was nothing to smile about not having a little girl.

The clock on the dashboard caught my eye.

12:12 pm


	8. Suggestions

I drew my purple fuzzy blanket around my shoulders and sank quietly into the corner of the couch.

"Did you want anything?" Finn asked. "Water? Tea? Chocolate?"

I shook my head no, turning away to look out the sliding glass door.

The doorbell rang, and Finn disappeared to answer it. The house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, and the footsteps echoed off the wood floors as he came back into the living room with someone else beside him.

"Hi, Rach." It was Kurt. I recognized his voice without actually looking at him. When I didn't say anything, he asked, "How are you?"

I didn't respond.

"That was probably a stupid question," he murmured like I wasn't even in the room. "How are you? That's dumb. Of course, things suck."

I turned to look at the two of them as Finn grabbed him by the elbow and steered him into the kitchen. Some of the whispering drifted back in my direction. "Is she okay?"

"She's not really talking," I heard Finn answer.

Well, duh. What was there to talk about anymore? She was gone. She wasn't coming back.

"Have you gone to see Quinn at all?"

Finn's answer was so quiet that I couldn't make it out.

The two of them came back into the room, and Finn handed me a glass of water. I immediately set it down on the coffee table. I locked eyes with Kurt for a brief moment before looking away. It was hard for me to make eye contact. I wondered in the back of my head what everybody thought of me.

"So," Kurt said, twiddling his thumbs together. "Is there…is there going to be a funeral?"

Finn and I both stared at him blankly, Finn shooting a glance at me before answering, "Can we…do that?"

"Well, she was a person, right? I want to help any way that I can. That's why I'm bringing it up."

Finn looked at me again. "What do you think, Rachel?"

I shrugged listlessly, closing my eyes.

"I think we'd like that," he answered for both of us. "A funeral. It would give us more closure, I think."

The doorbell rang again. Kurt leapt to his feet and ran to answer it. When he came back into the living room, Mercedes was trailing behind him. "Hi," she said.

"Hey," Finn answered. When he looked over at me again, I shifted my gaze so that I was looking out the window. After a minute, he said, "We asked for her to be cremated. We thought that that would be…better…than…You know."

Mercedes crossed the room and wrapped him in a hug so tight that I could barely see him in her grasp. "I'm so sorry, Finn."

I was so tired of hearing people say that. I didn't understand how people could sorry for something that they couldn't even come close to understanding. When Mercedes came to give me a hug, I found that I couldn't hug her back. My arms hung limply at my sides. She pulled away without saying anything.

"What do you guys want?" Kurt asked.

Finn didn't even look at me. "Something quiet. Just family. And our closest friends. The Glee Club. That's it, I think. It should be private. Is that okay, Rachel?"

I nodded my agreement.

"We could probably plan something," Kurt offered. "Mercedes and I."

"Definitely," Mercedes said. "And I bet the rest of the Glee Club would help too. Is there anything special that you would want, Rachel?"

I didn't answer.

"Rachel?" Finn prodded.

I didn't want anything special. I wanted my baby back. I shook my head again.

"Are you sure?" Kurt asked. "Because we can do whatever you want, Rachel. Anything."

I unwrapped the blanket from my shoulders, slowly and carefully laying it down on the couch cushion beside me. Without making eye contact with anyone, I picked up the glass of water from the coffee table and threw it so hard against the opposite wall that tiny shards of glass made it back to me. As the water streamed down the wall and everybody gaped at me, I said very quietly, "You can't give me anything I want. Not anything. Because what I want is to have my baby back. And you can't do that. You can't unburn her, you can't bring her back. She is never coming back. So tell me you can do whatever I want. Because you can't. Not everything. No one can."

I got up and left the room, going straight into the nursery and shutting the door behind me. There were tiny Winnie the Pooh's all over the walls, taunting me with their happiness. There was Winnie the Pooh on the dresser. Winnie the Pooh holding the lightbulb. Winnie the Pooh in the crib. Winnie the Pooh on the curtains. His smile was everywhere, all over everything. Suddenly unable to stand it, I grabbed the lamp and smashed it against the wall. Threading the curtains between my fingers, I pulled until they ripped off of the rod. I threw all of the blankets into the corner, and tossed the pillows on top of them. Finding a small loose corner in the wallpaper, I tore as much I could before it came off in my hands. Throwing it into the corner, I sank to the ground in the middle of the room. Ripping everything apart hadn't done any good. As much as I destroyed, she was never coming back.


End file.
